It's Complicated
by iCalvino
Summary: It's April Fools, and House is on the receiving end of a cyber prank. I began writing this before "A Simple Explanation" and decided to continue with it as a fluffy break from the recent heaviness of the show. All major characters involved. House/Cuddy.
1. The Prank

_House—carrying his blue backpack and dressed in his usual wrinkled blue button-down shirt, a gray graphic tee that says "Trust me I'm a doctor," dark wool blazer, and dark blue jeans—walks into the lobby of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital humming an indistinguishable melody to himself. He pauses at the receptionist's desk, scanning the room for Cuddy, when he notices that multiple people (men and women, nurses and doctors, even medical students) are pretending not to be looking at him with incredulousness in their eyes. He notices some are giggling, and his face darkens with annoyance and curiosity. _

**HOUSE**

[_Almost shouting_.]

For crying out loud, people, I know it's April 1st. Who pranked me?

_Some people shake their heads. Others snicker and laugh. House squints and walks toward the elevator. After pressing the "up" button, Wilson, dressed impeccably in pressed brown slacks, a pressed white shirt, and a green Brooks Brothers tie, joins him._

**HOUSE**

You don't, by any chance, have something to do with the idiocy pervading this lobby, do you?

**WILSON**

Good morning, House.

**HOUSE**

[_Giving Wilson a nod._]

Everyone is grinning.

**WILSON**

It's springtime. Love is in the air. Maybe someone added Prozac to the drinking water. Although if someone did spike Princeton's water supply with an anti-depressant, you should be smiling too … unless your misanthropy is so deep-rooted…

**HOUSE**

[_In a snarky tone._]

Uh, yeah, my hatred for humanity must be proof that you're right about Prozac in the water. You're not grinning, so YOU must be behind the idiocy.

_The elevator doors open, and more people give House a bewildered smile as they exit the elevator. Both men enter, and the doors shut._

**WILSON**

Okay, I see what you mean about everyone. This is interesting, very interesting.

**HOUSE**

Oh stop it, Wilson. I know you're behind this. It's April Fools, and you're the only fool who thinks he can get away with pranking me somehow.

**WILSON**

House, I am not behind anything, but you're clearly agitated, so this means you have absolutely no clue what's going on. If there is a prank, you don't even know what it is. Huh. Interesting …

_The elevator doors open, and House walks away from Wilson as quickly as he can. Wilson pauses just outside the elevator and shouts after House._

**WILSON**

Why don't you prank me today and actually buy ME lunch? That would be a good one!

* * *

_House enters the fellows' office area and sees the fellows eating donuts and drinking coffee. Foreman is doing a crossword nonchalantly. Thirteen quickly stops playing footsies with Foreman and pretends to be reading a medical journal. Taub is sorting through the mail, and Kutner is at the fellows' computer. _

**KUTNER**

Hey, thanks for accepting my friend request, House. I'm glad you finally joined facebook.

_House looks at Kutner as if he has just grown a third arm out of his forehead. He waves his arms in disbelief and annoyance. He then continues to stare at Kutner. _

**THIRTEEN**

I told you it's a fake account.

**KUTNER**

[_Grinning and ignoring Thirteen._]

I never took you for a facebook kind of guy, but I guess it's so common these days you can't NOT be on it. I bet I'll find you on Twitter in no time.

**TAUB**

[_Sighs_.]

Give it up. He doesn't have an account. It must be a fake. People make up fake accounts for celebrities all the time. Who is to stop an upstart medical student or a really bored, disgruntled nurse from making one to mock him?

**HOUSE**

[_To Taub._]

Your job is still on the line, but thanks for implying that I'm a celebrity. I did have a hot date with Halle Barry last night, and the paparazzi …

**FOREMAN**

I didn't know you fantasized about black women. I thought you were a huge bigot. Either I was wrong, or you have changed for the better.

**HOUSE**

[_Sneering at Foreman._]

You were wrong.

[_Looking at Thirteen._]

Once you go black, you can't go back.

_Thirteen and Foreman both roll their eyes. House puts down his bookbag._

**KUTNER**

If it's fake, then why is Cuddy also his friend on facebook?

_House narrows his eyes and walks toward the computer._

**HOUSE**

Let me see that.

_Perusing the screen, House sees Cuddy's profile and inspects her photo, in which she is wearing one of his favorite black low-cut tops. He also sees that "Gregory House" has written many characteristically snarky comments on her wall, beginning the previous day. He then sees that her relationship status is "It's complicated with Gregory House." His mouth drops, and he inhales sharply._

**HOUSE**

I am glad to see that this hospital pays Cuddy good money to whore herself out on a juvenile cyber-network. How many of you are idiotic enough like Kutner to be on this thing?

**FOREMAN**

Not me. It's a waste of time.

**TAUB**

[_Looking at Foreman_.]

It's not like you would have anyone to be your friend on there.

**FOREMAN**

[_In a sarcastic, monotone voice._]

Ouch. That hurts.

**THIRTEEN**

I don't feel a need to interact superficially with people from my past.

**HOUSE**

That's right, you're too busy having deep interactions with chicks you pick up at bars. I assume you're on the prowl for new sex kittens now that you and Foreman are pretending not to be together?

_Thirteen glares at House and then pretends to read something else._

**TAUB**

I'm not on it either. It's silly.

**KUTNER**

I think it's fun. Look, House, you even have a fan club on here. It's a group called "I want to touch Dr. House's 'cane.'"

**FOREMAN**

Who the hell would be in that club?

**KUTNER**

Apparently 52 people.

**THIRTEEN**

52 horny and deranged female medical students with a stupid schoolgirl crush?

**HOUSE**

They should all know that my walking cane is named "Little, Little Greg." Is Cameron in the club?

**KUTNER**

No.

**HOUSE**

That's too bad. How long has "my" account been open?

**KUTNER**

It looks like you signed up yesterday. That's when all this activity started.

**HOUSE**

What about Cuddy?

**KUTNER**

Looks like she's been on here longer. Sometimes employers look through facebook to keep tabs on their employees and make sure they're not saying anything bad or doing anything stupid. A friend of a friend got fired because …

_House turns around and leaves the fellows' office. The ducklings look at each other confused but then carry on as they were._

_

* * *

  
_

_House flings open the doors to Cuddy's office. He takes a brief moment, while walking up to her desk, to admire her tight green tank top that offers a peek at her cleavage. Cuddy looks up from her paperwork, annoyed, and places her hands together on her desk._

**CUDDY**

I'm busy. You don't have a case, so make this quick.

**HOUSE**

Want me to draw the blinds? I promise I'll finish in under three minutes.

**CUDDY**

[_Rolling her eyes._]

House, I'm very busy right now with budget projections for the upcoming academic year, so if you just came here to bother me, stop … and go to clinic. You still owe me 10 hours from this past week.

**HOUSE**

You're not busy with budgets … you're too busy cruising facebook for Boy Scouts.

**CUDDY**

House, I'm not on facebook. Given your stalker-esque tendencies, I thought you would know that. Now go to clinic.

_Cuddy looks back down at the papers on her desk and starts writing again._

**HOUSE**

[_Taking a seat across from Cuddy._]

Interesting. So you're not cyber-spying on your employees, and you didn't declare to the online community that we're in some sort of complicated relationship.

**CUDDY**

[_Cuddy looks up from her paperwork with narrowed eyes._]

What are you talking about?

**HOUSE**

Your account must be fake too.

**CUDDY**

What account?

**HOUSE**

Did you notice people acting strangely towards you this morning?

**CUDDY**

I get weird looks and snickers everyday, thanks to the lies and rumors you constantly spread about me. House, what's going on?

**HOUSE**

I may … or may not … have spread the rumors about you being a man only so that no one else would be trying to access your vagina.

**CUDDY**

[_Mustering all the sarcasm she could._]

How sweet of you. What the hell is going on?

**HOUSE**

It appears that someone or some people have pranked us today. We both have fake accounts on facebook saying we're pseudo-together.

**CUDDY**

What?!?

**HOUSE**

If you let me off from clinic duty, I will launch a full investigation to get to the bottom of this … unless you want everyone here to think that we're sleeping together …

**CUDDY**

Again, thanks to you, everyone seems to think so anyway. Ergo, your investigation wouldn't change anything. Now go to clinic.

_Cuddy looks down at her desk and tries again to begin her paperwork._

**HOUSE**

[_Leaning forward and shaking a finger at Cuddy._]

You may not have pulled off this stunt, but you're glad it happened. That's why you won't give me time to find the culprit. You WANT everyone to think we're together!

[_Cuddy rolls her eyes and then glares at House._]

If everyone thinks we're together, the 52 members of my facebook fan club will think that I'm spoken for … and wouldn't even try to touch my metaphorical cane out of fear that you, the devil, would …

**CUDDY**

House! I will deal with this matter, which is why I don't need you to do so. Clinic. NOW.

**HOUSE**

[_Standing up and leaning over the desk_.]

Just admit your undying love for me, and I'll go.

**CUDDY**

[_In a calm, seductive tone._]

If you don't go now, you won't have a metaphorical cane anymore.

_House gives Cuddy a look of feigned hurt and smirks as he turns to leave. He walks out of the Cuddy's office pleased with their interaction and more determined not to go to clinic. Cuddy dials her assistant on her speakerphone._

**CUDDY**

I need you to log on to facebook.

* * *

Thanks for reading. Will update soon. Constructive feedback always welcome.


	2. The Differential

Thanks for the kind reviews! I hope you all will enjoy this next installment.  


* * *

_Wilson, enjoying a salad, is seated alone in the bustling dining room of PPTH. As he chews his food slowly, he stares blankly at the empty seat across from him as he tries to eavesdrop on the lively conversations happening around him. At the next table over, four nurses are gossiping and giggling. He takes a sip of water when he notices House's old ducklings Cameron and Chase, both in uniform scrubs, approach him._

**CAMERON**

[_To Wilson, with a cold, confident expression._]

You're behind it aren't you.

**WILSON**

[_Gives Cameron a quizzical look, waving his free hand in confusion._]

Behind … ?

**CHASE**

The prank on House.

**WILSON**

The online prank? No, unfortunately it wouldn't have occurred to me since I'm not on facebook. But … I must say that I AM impressed with whoever had the moxy to do it. I'm sure House is driving himself MAD trying to solve the puzzle of whodunit, unless …

[_Pauses and furrows his eyebrows._]

**CHASE**

[_Cocking his eyebrow._]

Unless?

**WILSON**

[_Nodding to himself._]

Unless … House is behind the whole thing.

**CAMERON**

I think you did it because you're the only person who would try to shove House into a relationship with someone else.

**CHASE**

[_Teasing Cameron._]

Someone else, meaning someone other than yourself?

**CAMERON**

[_Still looking at Wilson, who continues to eat his salad._]

This is just another one of your manipulative tactics.

_Wilson raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth to speak when he's interrupted by Chase._

**CHASE**

The talk of the town is here.

_House approaches the trio and plops his plate of fries down on the table, causing a few to land on the table. He picks them up and shoves them into his mouth as he takes a seat across from Wilson._

**WILSON**

[_To House, with a hint of condescension._]

How nice of you to show up, after I paid for my own lunch.

**CHASE**

Were you actually expecting him to pay for you?

**WILSON**

[_In a sincere tone._]

Yes. I thought we would both show up at the cashier, he would watch me take out my wallet, and then at the last minute he would say, "April Fools! I wasn't really going to make you buy both our lunches. Here is my Mastercard."

**CHASE**

Seriously?!?

**WILSON**

[_Giving Chase an_ _annoyed glance._]

God, you're gullible.

**HOUSE**

Another reason why I fired him.

_House shoves another handful of fries into his mouth. Cameron smiles at the three men, and Chase presses his lips into a thin line. _

**CAMERON**

Well, we're going to head up to the physician's lounge for a bit. Have fun bickering with each other.

_Chase and Cameron turn to leave._

**HOUSE**

[_In a come-hither voice._]

Oh, Cameron …

_Cameron turns to face House again with an amused smile on her face._

**CAMERON**

What.

**HOUSE**

I heard you started my facebook fan club. I believe it's called "I want to touch Dr. House's 'cane.'" "Cane" is in quotes, in case you missed the metaphor.

**CAMERON**

Wasn't me, sorry. I already have a nice big piece of wood to play with.

_Cameron smiles triumphantly and walks confidently towards the exit. Chase nods at House and Wilson, smirking, and follows Cameron. House shakes his head as if he just ate a jabanero pepper._

**WILSON**

Our little girl's all grown up.

**HOUSE**

Well, then, I guess it's a good thing I still have 52 others who haven't. Actually, 48 girls and four boys.

**WILSON**

[_Confused._]

Okay …

**HOUSE**

So, tell me. Why did you do it? Did you think that your little prank would actually make me WANT to date Cuddy? If anything, it would make both of us try even harder to prove to everyone it's all a hoax.

**WILSON**

[_Swallows another bite of salad._]

This facebook thing is driving you two apart? What did Cuddy say?

**HOUSE**

[_Picks up two fries and points them at Wilson._]

Aha!

**WILSON**

What?

**HOUSE**

You're worried that your evil plan isn't working!

**WILSON**

It's not MY evil plan. I think it's YOURS. You are so emotionally stunted that this prank serves as your own special, juvenile way of …

_House picks up a few of Wilson's lettuce leaves with his fingers and shoves them in his own mouth. _

**WILSON**

[_Almost shouting._]

Why did you just do that?! Salad isn't a finger food! You still have plenty of fries!

**HOUSE**

[_Sneering._]

See what it feels like to have other people mess with your "food," and by "food" I mean life?

**WILSON**

Says the most intrusive person I have ever met! You're a hypocrite!

**HOUSE**

I'm not a hypocrite. I'm complicated.

[_Gives Wilson a sad puppy dog face._]

**NURSE #1**

[_At the neighboring table_, _addressing her lunch companions._]

I tell you what. Everything about that man is complicated.

**NURSE #2**

Mmmhmm, and he's getting complicated with Lisa Cuddy!

_The nurses burst out laughing._

**HOUSE**

[_Turning around to address the nurses._]

Just so you know, Dr. Cuddy can't get enough of my complicated penis. Would any of you care to try it out?

_The nurses roll their eyes and shake their heads._

**WILSON**

[_Looking at House with narrowed eyes._]

Does that tactic … actually work for you?

**HOUSE**

Total panty peeler line.

_House grabs more of Wilson's salad with his fingers, shoves the greens into his mouth, and gets up from the table. Wilson throws his fork down in disgust and places his head in his hands. As House walks away, Wilson eyes the half-eaten plate of fries and starts eating some, lost in thought._

_

* * *

  
_

_The physicians' lounge is currently occupied by House's team, sans House. Kutner and Thirteen are enthusiastically playing foosball, shouting every now and then when a goal is made. Taub is writing emails, and Foreman is reading __The New York Times__ in a cushioned chair. Cameron and Chase enter the lounge and plop down on the couch near Foreman._

**CAMERON**

I see you guys don't have a case.

**FOREMAN**

It's a good thing we don't. House is completely pre-occupied.

**KUTNER**

[_After the foosball makes a huge crashing noise into the goal._]

Noooooooo!!!

**THIRTEEN**

Yes! I win!

**KUTNER**

Nice shot, Hadley. Best two out of three?

**TAUB**

Give it up, Kutner. Thirteen owns your ass at foosball. Might as well do something less annoying for the rest of us.

**KUTNER**

Stop being such a negative Nancy.

_Thirteen smiles at Kutner._

**CHASE**

[_Looking at Kutner, Thirteen, and Taub._]

Who do you all think is behind the prank on House?

**TAUB**

[_Never taking his eyes off the computer screen, speaking in an annoyed tone._]

Don't know, and don't care.

**THIRTEEN**

Wilson or Cuddy. I'm going to get some coffee. Does anyone want anything?

**KUTNER**

[_Raising his hand._]

Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! I want a frozen caramel latte. Thanks.

_Foreman shakes his head no and continues to read the paper. Thirteen leaves the lounge._ _Kutner joins Cameron and Chase on the couch._

**KUTNER**

So it wasn't either of you two?

**CAMERON and CHASE**

No.

**KUTNER**

And the rest of us didn't have anything to do with it, so Thirteen is right. It was either Wilson or Cuddy.

**FOREMAN**

[_Closing the newspaper to address the others in a condescending tone._]

Or it could have been any hospital employee House has humiliated. The janitors, the nurses, other doctors … so there are literally hundreds of suspects.

**CHASE**

This whole thing is embarrassing to Cuddy too, so it's probably not her.

**CAMERON**

Which leaves Wilson, as I said before.

**FOREMAN**

You're probably right. Wilson is the only one who cares enough about House and Cuddy's drama to do this.

**KUTNER**

Are you guys sure that House isn't the one who pulled this prank?

**CAMERON**

Wilson suggested the same thing. But I don't buy it.

**KUTNER**

Remember when House planted that fake Christmas gift to himself? His ulterior motive was to make us all guess who the gift-giver was. We all guessed Cuddy at first, confirming in his mind that she has the hots for him. Maybe now he wants to see how we are reacting to this facebook thing, you know, to test our perception of them before he goes out on a limb and asks her out.

**CHASE**

I wouldn't put it past him. He's all about convoluted games.

**CAMERON**

I think you're wrong.

**FOREMAN**

[_In a teasing tone._]

You're just in denial that your crush has a thing for Cuddy. Let it go.

**CAMERON**

[_Blushing slightly._]

He's not my crush. Not anymore.

**TAUB**

[_Eyes still not leaving the computer. Exasperated._]

Do you guys really care?

**KUTNER**

Of course. House and Cuddy are Mulder and Scully from The X-Files. They're complicated people. Mulder is a sarcastic loner with no friends, a huge porn collection, and a catch-phrase related to his belief in the existence of truth beyond layers of deception, lies, and conspiracies. Scully is a smoking hot single woman, a genius in her own right, has a deep understanding of Mulder, and remains fiercely loyal to him despite the fact this loyalty isn't healthy for her career. They both are lonely and sexually frustrated, dancing around each other like the sky would collapse if they ever resolved their unresolved sexual tension. But everyone watching them so desperately WANTS them to just get together already. Well I shouldn't say everyone. Some don't want the sexual tension to be ruined. But you get the point: they are totally Mulder and Scully!

_Blank looks from everyone else in the room. Taub gets up and exits the lounge._

**KUTNER**

What's wrong with HIM?

**CHASE**

You're crazy, you know that?

* * *

_Meanwhile, House is making his way from the café to Cuddy's office. Upon arriving at the double doors he has come to love over the years, he flings them open and then slams them shut. Cuddy, completely startled, jumps a bit out of her seat. House continues to stand near the door._

**HOUSE**

You still don't know who the culprit is. If you did, YOU would be in my office gloating.

**CUDDY**

My assistant is working on it. You now owe me 14 hours after failing to report to clinic this morning.

_House takes a couple of steps forward._

**HOUSE**

Your assistant is an idiot.

[_Pointing his cane at Cuddy._]

How would I know that YOU didn't set this whole thing up?

_Cuddy sighs and puts her pen down. She leans forward, placing her elbows on her desk._

**CUDDY**

And how would I know that YOU didn't do it?

**HOUSE**

I would have picked out a different photo for your profile.

**CUDDY**

What, a photo of a man, an alien?

**HOUSE**

No, the one of you naked.

**CUDDY**

I don't have any naked pictures.

**HOUSE**

[_Scoffing._]

Yeah, that's what YOU think.

_Cuddy's eyes widen; then her eyebrows furrow. House approaches Cuddy's desk. He runs his left thumb along the edge._

**HOUSE**

Have you seen our profiles yet?

**CUDDY**

No. I don't have an account, remember?

**HOUSE**

Luckily for you, dear mistress, I now do.

_House walks over to Cuddy's side of the desk and hops on to it, landing on top of her papers. Cuddy starts to pucker her lips in anger as House reaches over her to access her keyboard. She inhales the fragrance of his deodorant and his natural musk, and she instinctively sits up straighter, accentuating the prominence of her breasts. House types in his email address and password, logging in as "Sherlock Holmes." Cuddy snickers. He then performs a search for "Lisa Cuddy" and pulls up her profile. He looks at Cuddy, and his eyes travel down to her breasts. Sitting at an elevated vantage point has given him quite the view of her cleavage. A small, knowing smile forms on Cuddy's face, and she looks up at House. She leans forward to see her computer screen better, and House's mouth opens as he continues to stare at her breasts._

**CUDDY**

I don't remember when this picture was taken.

[_Reading "House's" snarky comments on her wall causes her to smirk._]

The cyber version of you certainly shares your abrasive sense of humor.

_Cuddy reaches for the mouse, brushing her right arm against House's left arm. She clicks on the link to "Gregory House's" profile. House's eyes never leave Cuddy._

**HOUSE**

Do you remember that night back at Michigan?

**CUDDY**

Which night?

**HOUSE**

The night you lured me to your apartment and had your way with me?

**CUDDY**

[_Still looking at the computer screen._]

I believe that night YOU stalked ME, followed me home, and somehow convinced me it would be a good idea to spend the night with you.

[_Smiles upon seeing "House's" profile pic._]

This is a good photo of you. Isn't this from the night of our casino fundraiser, the night you diagnosed that kid with Erdheim-Chester disease?

**HOUSE**

I'm in a tux, which is further evidence that I am not behind any of this.

[_Placing his hand closer to Cuddy's arm and leaning towards her, lowering his voice suggestively._]

I believe you were sitting on THAT edge of this desk, and you wrapped your legs around me. After you pulled that move, there was no going back.

**CUDDY**

You were an easy lay.

**HOUSE**

[_Feigning shock, but his eyes are sparkling with delight._]

Oh, snap! But if you do want to have your way with me on this desk again …

**CUDDY**

[_Still looking at the computer screen._ _She clicks on the "info" tab of House's profile._]

Your interests.

[_Reading out loud_.]

Primary interests – The pistons of Cuddy's Ferrari …

[_Cuddy gives House a disapproving look. House smirks._]

Cuddy's funbags, the twins, the produce section at Whole Foods.

[_Cuddy shakes her head._]

Secondary interests – Playing with the primary interests in the squish bin.

[_Cuddy sighs and rolls her eyes. House's smirk has transformed into a big smile._]

Tertiary interests – Jimmi Hendrix solos, my piano, my bitchin' bike …

[_Pauses to laugh._]

… collecting and playing vintage guitars, vinyl records, the Galapagos Islands.

**HOUSE**

This person obviously knows me very well.

_House leans his arm against Cuddy's and studies her face. She pretends not to notice._

**CUDDY**

[_Continuing to read the screen._]

Education and Work – I work for the devil, mainly serving as her sex slave, and if there's extra time I solve complex medical cases.

_Cuddy looks up at House and glares at him._

**HOUSE**

This person speaks the truth. I think I like him … or her.

_Cuddy goes back to her own profile and clicks on the "info" tab._

**CUDDY**

Okay, now for my interests …

[_Again, reading out loud._]

Stethoscopes, stilettos, motherhood, Marc Jacobs, misanthropes.

[_Cuddy pauses._]

I suppose that would be you.

[_House rolls his eyes_. _Cuddy continues reading._]

… fitness, fine art, farmers' markets, Barolo, sweet potato pie.

**HOUSE**

[_His eyes narrow._]

You don't eat sweet potato pie.

**CUDDY**

No, I don't. I don't think I've ever tried it.

**HOUSE**

[_Looking like he is on the verge of an epiphany._]

This is the aberration. This is the key to the puzzle. You don't like carb-heavy pies, but the person who made these profiles THINKS that you do.

**CUDDY**

My only experience with sweet potato pie was when someone left a half-eaten one in my fridge after Rachel's simchat bat. I don't even remember who brought it.

[_Slightly raising her voice in disbelief._]

Who on earth would bring sweet potato pie to a simchat bat?

**HOUSE**

Did anyone else know about the pie? Cameron and Chase were there, but I highly doubt they're behind this.

**CUDDY**

Kutner finished off that pie when he babysat for Rachel one evening. I told him to help himself to the fridge, and that's all he ate. So ...

_House's and Cuddy's eyes widen, and a small smile forms on House's face. _

**HOUSE**

It wasn't Kutner. Call him in here. I want to talk to him.

* * *

There is one more chapter left, and I will put it up as soon as I am finished with it. Thanks for reading, and, as always, constructive feedback is welcome.


	3. The Revenge

The final chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

_Cuddy's office. After listening to Cuddy read their fake facebook profiles out loud, House hops off of Cuddy's desk and takes a seat on her couch. He props his feet up on the coffee table, wearing a small smile on his face. Cuddy looks at House from behind her desk and gives him a look of confusion._

**CUDDY**

What do you mean it wasn't Kutner?

**HOUSE**

Kutner made those profiles, but he wasn't the mastermind behind all of this.

**CUDDY**

Okay …

[_Shaking her head in more confusion._]

… and who do you think is the mastermind?

**HOUSE**

Ooooh, I have some ideas.

**CUDDY**

[_Cuddy lifts her chin and looks down her nose. In an accusatory tone._]

You already know who did this. Now you're just having fun.

**HOUSE**

Kutner is a soldier ant. I want to smoke out the queen.

**CUDDY**

[_Looking back down at her crumpled paperwork, where House was just sitting._]

Okay, I've had enough. If you're not going to go to clinic, at least get out of my office so that I can go back to work. You can interrogate Kutner elsewhere.

**HOUSE**

[_Clasping his hands behind his head and further settling down on Cuddy's couch_.]

You're not the least bit curious about who did this? You don't want to know who is publicly declaring us to be in some sort of relationship with each other?

_Cuddy raises her eyebrows and looks at the computer screen again. On her profile, she sees her relationship status as "It's complicated with Gregory House."_ _She sighs, chuckles, and nods in agreement at the screen. She turns to face House again._

**CUDDY**

Fine. I'll page Kutner.

* * *

_Kutner enters Cuddy's office with the frozen caramel latte from Thirteen in hand. He is sucking on the straw but hits an empty pocket in the cup, causing him to make slurping noises as he attempts to ingest more caffeinated sugar in frozen form. His eyes grow wide when he sees House and Cuddy looking at him like hungry cheetahs who have just identified their prey. He removes the straw from his mouth and swallows hard. _

**KUTNER**

[_Trying to sound nonchalant._]

Hey, I was paged … do we have a new case?

**CUDDY**

No. I believe House has a few questions he would like to ask you.

_Cuddy leaves her desk chair and takes a seat in the empty sofa chair perpendicular to the couch._

**CUDDY**

Have a seat.

_Kutner nods and takes the empty spot next to House. He nervously sips his frozen latte._

**HOUSE**

[_Looking up at the ceiling with his hands still clasped behind his head._]

You made those facebook profiles.

**KUTNER**

No I didn't.

**HOUSE**

Liar. No crime is ever perfect. Each perpetrator may THINK that he is leaving no trace, but his ego always comes back to bite him in the ass. There is always a little breadcrumb left behind, a final clue … yours was sweet potato pie.

**KUTNER**

[_A look of shock takes over his face. He quickly recovers and smiles._]

Oh, I get it. Are you two playing good cop, bad cop?

**HOUSE**

[_Looking Cuddy up and down._]

Mmmm … Bad Cop Cuddy. A vinyl miniskirt would really …

**CUDDY**

[_Ignoring House._]

Why did you do it, Kutner? Who else is in on this?

**HOUSE**

[_Looking at Cuddy and waving his arms in exasperation._]

Noooooo! Where's your whip?

**CUDDY**

Shut up, House.

**KUTNER**

[_With a flicker of hope in his eyes._]

Maybe I should leave you two alone.

**HOUSE**

[_Whipping his head around to look at Kutner again._]

Nice try. Bad Cop Cuddy would be an effective distraction for most people, but unfortunately for you I can multitask very well.

[_Cuddy opens her mouth to speak, but House quickly proceeds, raising his voice a bit._]

So! Sweet potato pie ended up being your Achilles Heel. Fascinating.

**KUTNER**

That's silly. Everyone loves sweet potato pie.

**HOUSE**

You assumed that everyone loves it. But as the saying goes, to assume is to make an ASS out of U and ME. Cuddy over here doesn't like sweet potato pie.

**KUTNER**

[_Looking at Cuddy in protest._]

But you had some in your fridge!

**CUDDY**

Someone left it there from Rachel's baby naming ceremony. I've never actually tasted sweet potato pie before.

_Kutner's mouth opens, and his eyes widen even more. He then looks around Cuddy's office, as if he's searching for an escape route._

**HOUSE**

You just had to add your little personal touch to Cuddy's profile. That was your fatal flaw.

**KUTNER**

Anyone at that ceremony could have seen that pie. This doesn't prove anything.

**HOUSE**

Spoken like a truly guilty person.

[_Gets up from the couch and begins pacing around the office._]

Cameron and Chase were there, but they wouldn't do this.

[_Stops pacing and turns to face Kutner._]

Cameron, with all of her residual angst towards me, would never want another woman to claim me publicly, and Chase just doesn't care.

[_Continues pacing._]

Wilson was there, but he knows that Cuddy does not indulge in highly caloric treats. Cuddy's body is an evolutionary marvel that would make every post-pubescent male want to mate with her all day long, but she doesn't maintain it by eating sweet potato pie.

_Cuddy rolls her eyes and frowns to cover up a small smile starting to form on the corner of her lips._

**HOUSE**

Foreteen wouldn't have known about the pie, and they're too busy getting busy with each other to reach outside their self-absorbed universe.

[_Stops pacing and faces Kutner. House looks down his nose at him._]

Then there's your dear old buddy Taub. He has tried to prank me before, BUT unfortunately for him, his recent financial woes haven't allowed him to have a sense of humor lately. Which leaves you.

[_Inhales audibly._]

You made those profiles.

_House lowers his chin and gives Kutner the intent look of a cat twitching its tail._

**KUTNER**

[_Protesting._]

But Wilson …

_Kutner stops, realizing he has said too much. He lowers his eyes and begins sipping his drink nervously again._

**HOUSE**

The soldier ant has given up his queen. Come to think of it, "queen" could be a double entendre. Some people think he and I are sleeping together anyway.

**CUDDY**

You just said Wilson wasn't the one …

**HOUSE**

I said Wilson knows you well enough to know that you don't eat pie. I never said he had nothing to do with this. He's the mastermind. He didn't physically create those profiles, but he came up with the idea and had Kutner execute the details. He even had Kutner make sure that I saw them.

[_In the voice of an exuberant second grader._]

Busted!

_Kutner looks defeated. He then glances at his bosses hesitantly._

**KUTNER**

So what now?

**HOUSE**

You can cover my clinic obligations for the rest of the afternoon. I wouldn't advise alerting Wilson to the fact that I'm on to him. … [_sarcastically_] for your sake, because I care.

_Kutner nods and heads toward the Cuddy's office doors. He stops as he reaches them and turns around to look at House and Cuddy._

**KUTNER**

You have to admit this was fun.

[_Receives blank stares from House and Cuddy._]

Okay, I'm going to go now.

_Kutner smiles to himself and leaves. House and Cuddy look at each other. _ _Cuddy_ _gets out of her seat. House's eyes are drawn to her nicely toned legs, accentuated by a short black pencil skirt and designer heels._

**CUDDY**

You still owe me 14 hours of clinic duty, regardless of what Kutner does.

**HOUSE**

How about I spend those 14 hours serving you in … other ways …

**CUDDY**

Would you prefer teaching medical students instead?

[_In a teasing voice._]

I'm sure membership to your facebook fan club would skyrocket after giving a few seminars in diagnostic medicine.

**HOUSE**

How about instead of spending 14 hours diagnosing the common cold, swabbing crotches, or talking to incompetent neophytes, I spend those 14 hours using my best skills …

**CUDDY**

Solving a case? I don't have one for you.

**HOUSE**

The skills you hired me for … being your sex slave …

**CUDDY**

[_Grabbing House by the arm and trying to lead him to the exit._]

Clinic. Now. Goodbye.

_House refuses to move his feet. Instead he breaks Cuddy's grip and snakes his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him, but not turning her around. He speaks softly into her ear._

**HOUSE**

I need your help.

**CUDDY**

[_Inhaling sharply and closing her eyes._]

You need to go to clinic. You've had enough fun for one day.

**HOUSE**

I need your help in seeking a bit of sweet revenge.

**CUDDY**

[_Turning to face House, whose hand is now on her back._]

Do I have to remind you that I run a hospital, that I actually have work to do?

**HOUSE**

[_Looking sincerely into Cuddy's eyes._]

It won't take long.

**CUDDY**

[_Stepping away from House and going back to her desk._]

I don't get it. You knew it was Wilson and Kutner all along … why drag me into your little detective work? You could have just informed me of who the culprits were after you solved the puzzle by yourself …

**HOUSE**

I had a hunch this prank was Wilson's idea, but I also know that good ol' Jimmy would enlist a far more computer-savvy person to do the dirty work. I wasn't quite sure who until we read your profile.

_House places his hands on Cuddy's desk, leaning his weight on them. He looks at Cuddy intently, trying to read her face._

**CUDDY**

You could have read my profile from the comfort of your own office.

[_A victorious grin forms on Cuddy's face, and she looks at House with sparkling eyes._]

You're using this as an excuse to be here in my office. YOU can't get enough of me.

**HOUSE**

[_Ignoring Cuddy's comments._]

I also wanted confirmation it actually was Wilson before getting him back, something I need your help with.

**CUDDY**

[_Taunting._]

Admit it: you can't live without me.

**HOUSE**

Why wouldn't I want to be near you?

_Cuddy's grin softens into a genuinely happy smile._

**CUDDY**

What did you have in mind?

_House's eyes are now sparkling with mischief, and an evil grin forms on his face. He continues to look at Cuddy, who nods and then dials her assistant on speaker phone._

**CUDDY**

I need you to page Wilson and get him in here. Do not, under any circumstances, allow anyone else in.

_House and Cuddy continue to grin at each other._

_

* * *

  
_

_Wilson approaches Cuddy's office and notices that the blinds are drawn. He checks his pager again and looks at her assistant, who gives him a nod to go in. He opens the doors and shuts them, first noticing Cuddy's desk to be empty but then gasps when he looks at the couch._

**WILSON**

[_Almost shouting._]

Oh my God!!

**HOUSE and CUDDY**

April Fools!

_Wilson's mouth is agape as he tries not to look at his two friends on the couch. House is lying on top of Cuddy with the waistline of his pants and boxers around his knees. Cuddy's skirt is hitched up to her hips, and her legs are partially tangled in House's. Both House and Cuddy start to laugh and rearrange their clothing._

**WILSON**

I was paged. I thought … I didn't know …

**HOUSE**

No, we're not actually sleeping together. We're getting you back for the facebook prank.

**WILSON**

I told you I didn't do it!

**HOUSE**

Kutner squealed on you.

_Wilson's jaw drops even further._

**CUDDY**

Did you actually think you could out-prank House?

_House turns to Cuddy with a slightly surprised but amused expression._

**WILSON**

[_Indignant, and still almost shouting._]

You two act like adolescents incapable of being in a mature adult relationship with each other!

[_Now waving an arm at his friends._]

So I decided a juvenile prank was in order …

**HOUSE**

[_In a snarky tone._]

Thanks for the lesson, Wilson. We'll take it under advisement.

**WILSON**

[_Sighing. Looking at House._]

Meet you at the pub after work?

**HOUSE**

[_Nodding._]

See you there.

**WILSON**

Bye, Cuddy.

**CUDDY**

Bye.

_Wilson exits Cuddy's office shaking his head._

**CUDDY**

Nicely played, Sherlock Holmes.

**HOUSE**

See you at your place after I finish my beers with Wilson?

**CUDDY**

Don't drink too much.

[_Stepping closer to House. Speaking in a soft, sultry voice._]

I'm counting on your "cane" to be fully operational tonight.

**HOUSE**

[_Smirking._]

It always is. Should we tell him?

**CUDDY**

About us? I don't know.

**HOUSE**

Why not?

**CUDDY**

[_Teasing._]

It's complicated, remember?

[_House rolls his eyes. Cuddy smiles up at him and slips her hands into his._]

I kind of like the secrecy. I like the fact you can't touch me at work. It keeps things hot at night.

_Cuddy runs her nose along House's jawline. House closes his eyes as he enjoys Cuddy's touch. He turns his face towards hers so that their lips are just centimeters apart._

**HOUSE**

[_His eyes dark with desire._]

It certainly does.

[_He stares into Cuddy's eyes._]

Would you be mad if I told Wilson tonight?

**CUDDY**

No. I know you have to tell him eventually.

_Cuddy plants a soft kiss on House's lips. House grabs Cuddy by the hips and pulls her closer to him, pressing his body against hers. He then deepens their kiss. Cuddy pulls away to catch her breath._

**CUDDY**

[_Seductively._]

I told you, you couldn't get enough of me.

**HOUSE**

[_Whispering in Cuddy's ear._]

You know, I can knock off 4 of those clinic hours tonight …

**CUDDY**

Oh, I am counting on having hours of fun tonight. But you still owe me 14 hours at clinic.

[_Cuddy grins evilly as she steps away from House. She opens the blinds._]

I suggest you head over there now. This is a hospital, after all, and you and I both have work to do.

_Cuddy walks back to her desk._

**HOUSE**

Oh you evil minx!

**CUDDY**

[_Straightening out the papers on her desk._]

Clinic. Now.

**HOUSE**

Why do you always torture me?

**CUDDY**

[_Looks up at House._]

You love it.

**HOUSE**

[_Not skipping a beat._]

I love …

[_Pauses and reconsiders._]

… being your sex slave. I'll see you tonight.

_Cuddy smiles from her desk and watches House leave her office. When he reaches the clinic's nursing station, he picks up a red folder and looks towards Cuddy's office. Making sure no one was within earshot, House whispers under his breath._

**HOUSE**

I love you.

_House lets a small smile form on his face and steps into Exam Room 1._

**FIN.**

**

* * *

**I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Just in case I didn't do the big reveal at the end very well, it was supposed to be my "prank" on the readers ... hiding their relationship the entire time just as they were hiding it from the hospital community. Happy belated April Fools!


End file.
